weighing importance

sometimes i wonder what it is in my day to day life that i value. what has weighing importance? why do i do what i don't want to do and don't do what i do want to do? it is like that verse in romans really is my life. i am pretty sure that many people could say that, ultimately, but for real, what parts and moments of life really matter? i am all about making memories, having good times, laughing lots, loving much, experiencing new things, meeting new people, and embracing life and all it has to offer.
but what does life have to offer? what does the world encourage us to embrce? why do people live such empty lives? how is it that the world does such a good job of blinding people? love has lost meaning, christianity has lost credibility, laughter has lost vibrency, words have lost their depth. so many people strive to be unattainable versions of themselves; becoming fake, each life becoming a vacuum of emptiness, a void to be filled with meaningless things.
it is sad really. i watch so many people, week after week, get so drunk they can't stand, and are so smashed they make complete fools of themselves. i see people throw themselves at one person after the next, in an attempt to feel loved and valued, only to feel more and more empty and worthless. i look at magazines loudly proclaiming that we should look and be a certain way, offering ways to "be the real you", but successfully smothering individuality and personal appreciation, creating a plethora of fake, dyed, pinned, tucked, "beauitful" people.
i desire more. i want my life to resonate with truth and value. i long for a life of substance and depth. i want to be genuine and honest, following something worth following, searching and questioning, seeking and exploring, embracing and actually living. no more of this emptiness. no more jumping on the band wagon because it is easier than walking and i am lazy. having a life worth living may not be simple or straight forward, cut and paste or black and white, but at the end of the day i like to think it is worth the extra effort.

God vs. patti. fight!

it has been a long while since i posted. i guess that's what happens when life gets busy and one is trying to get rooted and settled in a new place. all of that is going well for me at this point. i am very happily living in saskatoon, loving my job and the people i work with, deciding it is time to get hobbies and explore more.
in my hobby finding, world exploring state, i thought boys could be a good subject. apparently not. well, they might be. maybe they are one of those subjects best watched and studied at a safe distance, kind of like those animals at the zoo that you are supposed to look at and not touch or feed... boys, like those animals, tend to bite. in my experience anyways. i have learned once again, through the "test and fail" principle, that getting even remotely attached is painful like a band aid when ripped off.
now as i sit here somewhat bitter, confused, and over thinking the situation like a typical girl, i can see God in it. and as i see Him in it, i dislike Him. i am faced with the fact that once again He is right and i am not. i am tired of feeling like every situation in my life is a time for "growth" and "stretching", a chance for God to talk in circles around me or provide one more metaphor. even as i was trying to avoid and ignore the obvious facts and ultimate answers, i could not, and they were forced back into my reality by the one i was ignoring them for.
serves me right i guess. time to admit defeat and give in once again to God, who is ultimately better to follow anyways. i am stubborn and hate losing in this battle that only really exists in my head. God has my best in mind. His timing will always prove to be better. i am selfish, impatient, and blinded by my own desires, and in this figure it fair to blame God when things don't go my way. huh, maybe it is time to grow up.

big decision

today i made a big decision. it was very hard. i do not easily admit defeat. i do not easily give up. i hate thinking that i have failed. today i retracted my application for the job as girl's dorm parent for the fall. it was received well, a sign of character i was told. i realized that i am tired, burnt out, overwhelmed, and mostly not ready to be a "mom" figure to 50 high school girls. i find myself feeling less than excited, even bitter at times, to perform the basic parts of my job. i find myself longing to be 22, living with friends, having fun, schooling, whatever. i feel that if i came back in the fall, i would do the year, and i would do it well. i would then, most likely, end up feeling bitter towards this type of ministry, and i would leave it. i am thinking that this way, i will take a year or 2 or 3 off, have fun, learn, grow, be myself, experience life. in God's time, i will return to full time ministry, maybe even here. i will be able to more fully embrace it and feel excited about it, ready to go all the way. i know that i will be in ministry every day, wherever i am, and i know that God will use me. i am excited to see what adventures God has in store, even though this freedom does feel somewhat like i am free falling into an abyss at this moment.

the end, the beginning, the in between

today marks the end of the school year for some of the students. i have just signed off on a number of rooms, stating that they are clean and good to be left for the summer. i have said good bye to a few, and more good byes await. between now and wednesday the kids will slowly trickle away as they finish exams. the dorms will become empty, the school quiet, the court yard still. i don't think i have yet grasped that this year is over. i don't understand where the time has gone, when the jokes became memories, when the present became the past.
now i am entering a transition of sorts. i have known it to be coming for some time, but have been avoiding. i am going from the me i was to the me i will be. i will have a summer with some time to play, but also time to grow, to learn new responsibilities. this is the in between, the time when i am no longer a teen leader, but an adult, a decision maker, a go-to, a mediator. when did this all come to be? i don't know that i feel ready, but God has brought me to this place, and He will lead me through it. He will bring me through strong and new, ready to face whatever comes. this whole being an adult, making decisions for others, being a disciplinary figure, having real responsibilities with weight that effects others, as well as myself, is all somewhat uncomfortable and scary. i am not sure if i am too tired to care, or just feeling overwhelmed by the wholeness of it. this is the place where the burn out and the overwhelmed feelings collide. this is the time when i retreat, unsure of where to begin, with the procrastination only building more tension and stress. as i watch the list of things to be done get bigger, i realize that only by beginning will an end be found. only by starting will i find God's peace and rest, as well as the strength to keep on to the end.

application process

the key word here is process. process often implies that there is an amount of time involved. time often means waiting. waiting requires patience, prayer and seeking God. i am in process. i am waiting. i am at a crossroads with a decision to be made. i am seeking God for His leading in this decision.
the year here is coming to an end surprisingly quickly. grad weekend has come and gone with a whoosh. finals will be here in about 6 weeks. the weather is changing, people are getting restless and new beginnings, for summer and fall, are being decided upon.
the end of the year sometimes brings an end to a person's call to this particular ministry. this is the case with one of the girls' dorm parents here this year. with her feeling lead to leave, there is a position open for the fall. i have decided to apply for this position. i have been praying much in the last months about whether God wants me to continue here or not. it is my prayer at this time that His answer become apparent in the outcome of this application process. i ask that you would join me in praying that God would lead and that i would feel peace about the outcome either way, knowing that God's ways are higher than my ways, His plans better than my own.

employed

i work at lcbi. as of may 1st, 2008, i am a hired, paid staff member of lcbi. i will be a dorm parent/big sister person, as i have been through my internship, until the end of june. then i will change roles and be the driver/chaperon person for their summer tour team. this is kinda of exciting. it was a big day when i got to sign a contract and know that i would actually get a pay check etc. i now have my first ever "real" job... even if it is only for 4 months.

trust

i have been thinking this morning about trust. have you ever noticed how so many people are scared to trust? we don't want to trust others. they may hurt us, disappoint us, let us down. we don't trust ourselves for the same reasons. why is it so hard to trust God? he has never disappointed. he has never let us down. he has never left us high and dry to provide for ourselves. in fact, he promises that he will never leave or forsake us. he has told us that he knows the plans he has for us, to prosper us and not to harm us. plans to give us hope and a future. why is that so hard to believe? why do we not trust the one person who is most deserving of all of our trust? even in our fear, we give in. we give ourselves away to mere humans who, ultimately, will do all of the things that we fear. but this most loving and gracious God, who has done nothing but provide and care and love and bless us abundantly with grace, we do not trust. it makes no sense.
i know that i don't trust God as i should. i find myself thinking that my plans, my timing, my desires are better. i get this great idea to do my own thing, just to end up feeling lost and confused. maybe it is time to give up and give in. maybe it is time to trust God, who desires with all of his heart to lead and guide, plan and provide and bless abundantly. i've heard he can only do as much as we allow, so maybe it is time to surrender it all. maybe it's time to leap, fully trusting that i will be caught by outstretched arms.

"spirituality"

today i was talking with a friend on msn. we were talking about church and life and praise and worship time and how i am really craving one of those experiences where you can just get lost in the worship music. at one point, he made a comment about how i am obviously a very spiritual person. this struck me in an odd sort of way. this man in a young adults pastor. he is a christ loving person, so i know that it wasn't one of those turned up nose, "oh, you're a 'spiritual' person" type comment, but it still didn't sit right. i think the word 'spiritual' has become perverted in my mind. there are so many people who claim to be 'spiritual' people. the people who say; "your god stuff is good for you, but i am spiritual in my own way". what does 'spiritual' even mean? it is like the word 'christian'. so many people these days are "christians", but they have no desire to live in a christ-like manor. they have no intention of living a life that is at all in accordance to how christ lived. i guess these words irk me with how they are over used and becoming meaningless adjectives, ill used to describe person's life. it sure would be nice if they could all just pick a different term and get on with it.
hello, my name is todd. i am a toddian, and i am a very light and airy type person. i embrace all things as right and pure, just as they are, and live in a very 'free to do what you want, when you want' sort of way.

california and post-thoughts

california was intense. in a sentence it was: 100 high schoolers, 20 leaders, 6 bus drivers, 3 buses, 10 days of ridiculousness and a palm tree in a toilette! ok, so maybe there was no palm tree in a toilette, but that would be pretty rad. i had a great time, but also got sick and very exhausted. when i got home i felt quite overwhelmed and very lonely. i think i am torn lately by my desire to love and serve at lcbi, or wherever else God may call me to be, and my desire to have community with people my age, living the life of an average 20-something year old. maybe there is no such thing as a "normal" life for a 20-something year old, but it sure seems like a rad idea to have tight friends living closer than an hour away.

it's been a while

the reasons for this are: a) i have been busy. b) i have just had nothing happen that sticks out as blog worthy.
oh, i am very excited to be going to california in about 11 days. i will be at disneyland 2 weeks from right now. to make this happen, i will be spending my easter break with high school kids, being a leader of a youth for christ trip. we get to do all sorts of cool things in california, and i am very stoked. yesterday night i wore shorts, a tank top and flip flops, just for the heck of it, knowing that i will be in the sun and sand in such a short time.
i have also been asked to be team leader of the lcbi summer ministry team. this will be summer # 5 of me moving around from place to place, living out of a suitcase and van. i do think that the team i will be leading is pretty awesome, and it also takes care of all living arrangements and job finding for the summer. i guess what it all boils down to is that no matter what i plan or envision for my summer, God finds a way to bring me back to kids and vbs songs. who am i to argue?

nb

a note for the biscuits:
they are supposed to be baked on a buttered and floured pan. you can also brush the tops with butter when they come out of the oven. i opted for the healthier version of baking on a parchment paper lined sheet, and no butter on top.

cheese biscuits

i have been on a baking kick as of late. it is kind of fun. i went to co-op the other day and got to charge a whole load of baking supplies to the school, just so i could enjoy baking with the girls. sweet deal! i have also been on the search for good, low fat recipes. i have found a few. today i stumbled upon a recipe for cheese biscuits. i just happened to have some grated cheese in my fridge that needed to be used, so this seemed like a good idea. i have never made cheese biscuits before, but they seem to have turned out well. here is the recipe, in case you too want to enjoy some yummy cheese biscuits.

2 C. all-purpose flour
2 1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 C. margarine (hard)
3/4 C. grated cheddar cheese
3/4 C. milk

sift together flour, baking powder and salt. cut in margarine until it is crumbly. mix in cheese and milk. turn out of bowl and kneed a few times until smooth. roll out to about 3/4 inch thickness and cut with a biscuit cutter (i used a floured glass). bake at 425 until lightly browned on top. i think about 17 minutes. makes 1 dozen biscuits (i got 14...). enjoy.

zoom! ... and open heart surgery

the month of january deserves that title. in all honesty, it seemed to take forever while living it, but looking back i have no idea where it went. weird how that happens. this month had its ups and downs. i started this month in alberta with friends, always a good start. i got a boyfriend. 2 weeks later i no longer had said boyfriend. i learned a lot about myself through that experience. i also learned a lot about God. i had some fun times with the kids at school (see last post). i traveled to edmonton to experience break forth 2008. it was a good weekend overall. it seemed like God wasn't doing as much in my heart as usual, then sunday happened.

i had open heart surgery on sunday. this is the vision that was told to me by a friend. God was sewing up my heart with a needle and thread. he placed my heart back in my body and watched it beat for a little while. he shook his head, thinking no, this is not quite right. he removed my heart from me, removed his own heart, and proceeded to place his own heart in me. with that he smiled and thought it was how it should be, just right. i then asked about walls. you see, i like walls. they protect me. i am good at hiding behind them. apparently they were around my original heart, but when i received God's they were gone. i have some thoughts of what this all means, but i am open to interpretation if anyone has ideas.

reflections of an adventure

today i took some students to journey's church in saskatoon. it was a fun and successful adventure. i had 10 students, a big van, and 2 moose that tried to play tag with us on our trip up to the city. i did a good job of avoiding them (i guess i wasn't in a particularly playful mood at the time). lunch also proved to be an adventure as no one wanted to decide where to eat and we ended up getting in and out of the van, and in and out of multiple places before deciding on the option of eating at a food court. crazy kids! (for the record, i never want to have that many children!)


i find it interesting to bring past and present parts of my life together at times and take a step back to see where i have come from and where i am going. today was one of those times. i was at the church that my youth pastor started, talking to his wife, remembering youth events and thinking that youth leaders seemed so old when i was in grades 8-12. i looked around, saw my kids and thought, hey, i am those youth leaders. i have become the people that i looked up to when i was in high school. it was an awe inspiring, God moment. watching my kids light candles and pray, reflect and experience their own God moments was so beautiful. it was very encouraging and exciting to see God's faithfulness and guidance through the past few years of my life, to see what i have been through and how it has brought me to the place that i am so blessed to be at right here, right now.

who are you?

a person whose blog i read semi-regualerly recently posted asking her readers to identify themselves. i like this idea. i am asking you to post a comment if you are reading this. if you are shy or just enjoy being a creeper, then post annonymously. i would just like to know that i am posting for someone other than myself.. i have a journal for that. thanks people... whoever you are.

annoyee, real word or not?

I feel like I should post more often, about random events or thoughts or whatevers.

I don't like boys. They annoy me. They cause my thoughts to be an unending circle, round and round, with no "off" button within sight. This circular thought process ultimately ends up with me in a bad mood, being annoyed at boys. Then I get the brilliant idea to blog, and this is what the result is. It is pathetic and weak, and makes me even more annoyed at the previously established annoyee (if that is even a word).

In closing, I would like to say that I have now prayed, once again, about the annoyed-ness of me by stated annoyee (I like this word, whether it is real or not). God will locate the unseen by me "off" button, He will push it, and I will return to the content state in which I typically live my life.

november at lcbi

Hello once again. Somehow December is upon us and it is only a month until Christmas. This also means that my internship is nearly half over, and this is shocking. It has been quite a journey so far, but it has been amazing. I am loving my time here.
This month has brought the same basic responsibilities with a few additions. I decided to sit in on a couple discipline meetings last week, which I will do again in the coming months. I also had some more regular one-on-one time with a few girls. Those times were wonderful and I am excited to keep them going. Candace and I also had the chance to be on the late shift alone. It was nice to be the last ones on, to be around for the late night chats and even to enforce lights out and whatever else. I again had a couple days as “Captain Fun Pants” the new name for “Captain Chaos”, one day I also sat in for Nadine, our trusty secretary, although she really is irreplaceable.
This month has been pretty good overall here, but I am struggling with the distance between myself and Alberta. It is hard to be here and to see some friends struggling with life and where God is taking them. I want so much to be closer, to be able to be a stronger support for them. God has been making me give them up to Him, and I know he is stronger than I, but I still feel frustrated by it. I have also been realizing my fears for life and commitment. I am seeing that I don’t like the idea of deciding in advance to be in one place, in one ministry or whatever else. I am feeling inadequate at times still as I look at the grade 12’s planning their lives and the maturity they show. I am finding it hard to accept the positive feedback I receive, and find myself expecting to fail.
At the same time, I had some very amazing times this month as well. I had the opportunity to take a couple girls to church in Saskatoon one Sunday. I am repeating this next Sunday (Dec.2). It was amazing to have the chance to introduce these girls to a different kind of church. A new way to see God and experience Jesus. I took them to Journey’s, an emergent church that was started by my youth pastor. It opened doors for very cool conversations about faith and church and caused them to think outside of their current understanding of what church is. I also got to visit Camrose once again. I got to meet new people, see old friends, and had some time to just “be”.
This month God has not stopped working in me. He has shown me my love of the emergent church idea. I like being able to meet people in a variety of ways, right where they are. I have been reminded that we Christians are messy people too, and that it is ok to minister in that. He has also reminded me of my love of praising Him through song. God is constantly teaching me through the girls and through our one-on-one time. He is showing me that I can when I think I can’t.
Please pray for the relationships that I have with the girls. Pray that they would continue to grow and thrive even where they are right now, in life and with God. Pray that I would be able to give my fears and self doubts to God, that I would stop being so hard on myself and that I could accept the positive feedback that I am receiving. Pray also that I would survive my week at CLBI that is coming up. I have not been out of bed consistently for 8:00am in a long time. I am worried about my attention span as I sit in class, as it has never been a strong point of mine. Thank you all once again for your prayers and thoughts.

Love and blessings in Christ.

Hello friends. I said I would post more, so I have decided to post my monthly prayer letters. This way you will have an idea as to what I have been up to and all of that jazz. Here is October's...
Somehow another month has flown by, and has left me wondering where it went. Thanks so much for your prayers last month, it means so much to me to have you behind me in prayer. This month has left a jumble of emotions in its wake, and I am trying to decipher where they all came from.
This moth started very well. I was continuing to learn new things, and was keeping busy with the daily hustle and bustle of life. I still share the same responsibilities as last month, although this month I got to experience some of the day-time life. I spent 2 days as “captain chaos”, if you will. I was in charge of taking kids to their doctor’s appointments, picking up prescriptions, making new appointments, making sure the kids were up and in class, all sorts of wonderful day-time drama. I also spent a week sitting in on classes. That was a neat week. It was fun to see the kids in a different element and to help the teachers some with test correcting or just watching their class as they attended to other needs.
That week started the crazy feeling of disconnection between myself and the dorm-life. I was not in the dorms at all that week, and October held 2 long weekends for myself, as well as Homecoming here. In conjunction with my regular days off, I end this month feeling very useless. I know that I probably did more than I can see right now, but in an un-measurable ministry, it is hard to deal with feeling so out of it. I look back and wonder what I really did this month. Where was I used here? I know that I was encouraging to people outside of my internship, but does that suffice? These are my frustrations of the month.
On the other hand, I did have some up-lifting and encouraging times. It was very nice to get away and re-connect with my CLBI family, who are mostly in Alberta and too far away to be seen regularly. I enjoyed Thanksgiving and Welcome-back weekends in Alberta (I got to spend the road trip part with LCBI students, which was very fun). I did much catching up and shared stories of the things God is doing and the things He is teaching me. I got to be renewed and refreshed by a visit to the mountains and a few long walks around Mirror Lake and Camrose.
I have also had some neat realizations, although they are hard to set into my heart knowledge. God has reminded me of my own walk with Him and the time and patience it took to be just right, and for me to accept the things He had for me. I see that God is working here, but it is a hard task to sit and wait for God’s timing. God is showing me that youth ministry is very patience based, and you have to nurture and love, one day at a time. Sometimes one step forward can be followed with 3 steps back, but ultimately we are headed forward the whole time.
Please pray that God would continue to show Himself here. Pray that the kids would desire to know more and to ask questions. Pray that their hearts would be open to the answers, and that God would provide opportunities to share. Pray for me that I would rest in God’s timing and that I would be patient. Pray that I would get back in the game and not feel so scattered, as I have been this month, and week especially. Ask for my positive attitude to return, it has taken a leave of absence and is missed very much.
Feel free to include me in your thoughts and prayers.

new music

i love music. honestly, i think i would die, or go clinically insane, without it. i have been introduced to some new artists as of late, and i like them a lot. they currently play on repeat on my lap top and in my car. one new love is andy shauf. he is from regina. i bought 2 cd's on thursday after i went to his concert in saskatoon. some good songs are; in time, eventually, sleep, and in the morning. another new love is sufjan stevens. he is amazing. some good songs are; chicago, say yes! to michigan, casimir pulaski day, for the windows in paradise, and to be alone with you. these guys are both indie/folk, creative kind of sounds, wonderful really. i think i am realizing i quite enjoy indie/folk stuff. you should check these guys out if you have never heard of them. let me know of other music i should check out.

3:24am

that is what time it is right now. i am supposed to be asleep because i have to unlock the school at 6:30am. it will happen... and then i will go back to sleep.

i am sad because there is snow outside right now, and that means summer really is over. winter in this province is much too long. maybe it will get tired early this year and go away sooner that usual...? that would be nice.

i went to a concert last night. i saw a couple girls that i graduated high school with. that was neat. the guy we went to see was really good. andy shauf is his name, he is from regina, but he is moving to edmonton. i bought 2 cd's.

i made muffins today. they are banana oatmeal chocolate chip. long name, amazing results.

i have not written on my blog in a long time. i told my friend i would try harder. this is me trying harder. we will see what happens.

it is now 3:31am on my alarm clock beside my bed. i think it is fast, so that i will stop being late for things, but i can't remember. maybe that is the point.