"spirituality"

today i was talking with a friend on msn. we were talking about church and life and praise and worship time and how i am really craving one of those experiences where you can just get lost in the worship music. at one point, he made a comment about how i am obviously a very spiritual person. this struck me in an odd sort of way. this man in a young adults pastor. he is a christ loving person, so i know that it wasn't one of those turned up nose, "oh, you're a 'spiritual' person" type comment, but it still didn't sit right. i think the word 'spiritual' has become perverted in my mind. there are so many people who claim to be 'spiritual' people. the people who say; "your god stuff is good for you, but i am spiritual in my own way". what does 'spiritual' even mean? it is like the word 'christian'. so many people these days are "christians", but they have no desire to live in a christ-like manor. they have no intention of living a life that is at all in accordance to how christ lived. i guess these words irk me with how they are over used and becoming meaningless adjectives, ill used to describe person's life. it sure would be nice if they could all just pick a different term and get on with it.
hello, my name is todd. i am a toddian, and i am a very light and airy type person. i embrace all things as right and pure, just as they are, and live in a very 'free to do what you want, when you want' sort of way.

california and post-thoughts

california was intense. in a sentence it was: 100 high schoolers, 20 leaders, 6 bus drivers, 3 buses, 10 days of ridiculousness and a palm tree in a toilette! ok, so maybe there was no palm tree in a toilette, but that would be pretty rad. i had a great time, but also got sick and very exhausted. when i got home i felt quite overwhelmed and very lonely. i think i am torn lately by my desire to love and serve at lcbi, or wherever else God may call me to be, and my desire to have community with people my age, living the life of an average 20-something year old. maybe there is no such thing as a "normal" life for a 20-something year old, but it sure seems like a rad idea to have tight friends living closer than an hour away.

it's been a while

the reasons for this are: a) i have been busy. b) i have just had nothing happen that sticks out as blog worthy.
oh, i am very excited to be going to california in about 11 days. i will be at disneyland 2 weeks from right now. to make this happen, i will be spending my easter break with high school kids, being a leader of a youth for christ trip. we get to do all sorts of cool things in california, and i am very stoked. yesterday night i wore shorts, a tank top and flip flops, just for the heck of it, knowing that i will be in the sun and sand in such a short time.
i have also been asked to be team leader of the lcbi summer ministry team. this will be summer # 5 of me moving around from place to place, living out of a suitcase and van. i do think that the team i will be leading is pretty awesome, and it also takes care of all living arrangements and job finding for the summer. i guess what it all boils down to is that no matter what i plan or envision for my summer, God finds a way to bring me back to kids and vbs songs. who am i to argue?

nb

a note for the biscuits:
they are supposed to be baked on a buttered and floured pan. you can also brush the tops with butter when they come out of the oven. i opted for the healthier version of baking on a parchment paper lined sheet, and no butter on top.

cheese biscuits

i have been on a baking kick as of late. it is kind of fun. i went to co-op the other day and got to charge a whole load of baking supplies to the school, just so i could enjoy baking with the girls. sweet deal! i have also been on the search for good, low fat recipes. i have found a few. today i stumbled upon a recipe for cheese biscuits. i just happened to have some grated cheese in my fridge that needed to be used, so this seemed like a good idea. i have never made cheese biscuits before, but they seem to have turned out well. here is the recipe, in case you too want to enjoy some yummy cheese biscuits.

2 C. all-purpose flour
2 1/4 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 C. margarine (hard)
3/4 C. grated cheddar cheese
3/4 C. milk

sift together flour, baking powder and salt. cut in margarine until it is crumbly. mix in cheese and milk. turn out of bowl and kneed a few times until smooth. roll out to about 3/4 inch thickness and cut with a biscuit cutter (i used a floured glass). bake at 425 until lightly browned on top. i think about 17 minutes. makes 1 dozen biscuits (i got 14...). enjoy.

zoom! ... and open heart surgery

the month of january deserves that title. in all honesty, it seemed to take forever while living it, but looking back i have no idea where it went. weird how that happens. this month had its ups and downs. i started this month in alberta with friends, always a good start. i got a boyfriend. 2 weeks later i no longer had said boyfriend. i learned a lot about myself through that experience. i also learned a lot about God. i had some fun times with the kids at school (see last post). i traveled to edmonton to experience break forth 2008. it was a good weekend overall. it seemed like God wasn't doing as much in my heart as usual, then sunday happened.

i had open heart surgery on sunday. this is the vision that was told to me by a friend. God was sewing up my heart with a needle and thread. he placed my heart back in my body and watched it beat for a little while. he shook his head, thinking no, this is not quite right. he removed my heart from me, removed his own heart, and proceeded to place his own heart in me. with that he smiled and thought it was how it should be, just right. i then asked about walls. you see, i like walls. they protect me. i am good at hiding behind them. apparently they were around my original heart, but when i received God's they were gone. i have some thoughts of what this all means, but i am open to interpretation if anyone has ideas.

reflections of an adventure

today i took some students to journey's church in saskatoon. it was a fun and successful adventure. i had 10 students, a big van, and 2 moose that tried to play tag with us on our trip up to the city. i did a good job of avoiding them (i guess i wasn't in a particularly playful mood at the time). lunch also proved to be an adventure as no one wanted to decide where to eat and we ended up getting in and out of the van, and in and out of multiple places before deciding on the option of eating at a food court. crazy kids! (for the record, i never want to have that many children!)


i find it interesting to bring past and present parts of my life together at times and take a step back to see where i have come from and where i am going. today was one of those times. i was at the church that my youth pastor started, talking to his wife, remembering youth events and thinking that youth leaders seemed so old when i was in grades 8-12. i looked around, saw my kids and thought, hey, i am those youth leaders. i have become the people that i looked up to when i was in high school. it was an awe inspiring, God moment. watching my kids light candles and pray, reflect and experience their own God moments was so beautiful. it was very encouraging and exciting to see God's faithfulness and guidance through the past few years of my life, to see what i have been through and how it has brought me to the place that i am so blessed to be at right here, right now.

who are you?

a person whose blog i read semi-regualerly recently posted asking her readers to identify themselves. i like this idea. i am asking you to post a comment if you are reading this. if you are shy or just enjoy being a creeper, then post annonymously. i would just like to know that i am posting for someone other than myself.. i have a journal for that. thanks people... whoever you are.

annoyee, real word or not?

I feel like I should post more often, about random events or thoughts or whatevers.

I don't like boys. They annoy me. They cause my thoughts to be an unending circle, round and round, with no "off" button within sight. This circular thought process ultimately ends up with me in a bad mood, being annoyed at boys. Then I get the brilliant idea to blog, and this is what the result is. It is pathetic and weak, and makes me even more annoyed at the previously established annoyee (if that is even a word).

In closing, I would like to say that I have now prayed, once again, about the annoyed-ness of me by stated annoyee (I like this word, whether it is real or not). God will locate the unseen by me "off" button, He will push it, and I will return to the content state in which I typically live my life.

november at lcbi

Hello once again. Somehow December is upon us and it is only a month until Christmas. This also means that my internship is nearly half over, and this is shocking. It has been quite a journey so far, but it has been amazing. I am loving my time here.
This month has brought the same basic responsibilities with a few additions. I decided to sit in on a couple discipline meetings last week, which I will do again in the coming months. I also had some more regular one-on-one time with a few girls. Those times were wonderful and I am excited to keep them going. Candace and I also had the chance to be on the late shift alone. It was nice to be the last ones on, to be around for the late night chats and even to enforce lights out and whatever else. I again had a couple days as “Captain Fun Pants” the new name for “Captain Chaos”, one day I also sat in for Nadine, our trusty secretary, although she really is irreplaceable.
This month has been pretty good overall here, but I am struggling with the distance between myself and Alberta. It is hard to be here and to see some friends struggling with life and where God is taking them. I want so much to be closer, to be able to be a stronger support for them. God has been making me give them up to Him, and I know he is stronger than I, but I still feel frustrated by it. I have also been realizing my fears for life and commitment. I am seeing that I don’t like the idea of deciding in advance to be in one place, in one ministry or whatever else. I am feeling inadequate at times still as I look at the grade 12’s planning their lives and the maturity they show. I am finding it hard to accept the positive feedback I receive, and find myself expecting to fail.
At the same time, I had some very amazing times this month as well. I had the opportunity to take a couple girls to church in Saskatoon one Sunday. I am repeating this next Sunday (Dec.2). It was amazing to have the chance to introduce these girls to a different kind of church. A new way to see God and experience Jesus. I took them to Journey’s, an emergent church that was started by my youth pastor. It opened doors for very cool conversations about faith and church and caused them to think outside of their current understanding of what church is. I also got to visit Camrose once again. I got to meet new people, see old friends, and had some time to just “be”.
This month God has not stopped working in me. He has shown me my love of the emergent church idea. I like being able to meet people in a variety of ways, right where they are. I have been reminded that we Christians are messy people too, and that it is ok to minister in that. He has also reminded me of my love of praising Him through song. God is constantly teaching me through the girls and through our one-on-one time. He is showing me that I can when I think I can’t.
Please pray for the relationships that I have with the girls. Pray that they would continue to grow and thrive even where they are right now, in life and with God. Pray that I would be able to give my fears and self doubts to God, that I would stop being so hard on myself and that I could accept the positive feedback that I am receiving. Pray also that I would survive my week at CLBI that is coming up. I have not been out of bed consistently for 8:00am in a long time. I am worried about my attention span as I sit in class, as it has never been a strong point of mine. Thank you all once again for your prayers and thoughts.

Love and blessings in Christ.

Hello friends. I said I would post more, so I have decided to post my monthly prayer letters. This way you will have an idea as to what I have been up to and all of that jazz. Here is October's...
Somehow another month has flown by, and has left me wondering where it went. Thanks so much for your prayers last month, it means so much to me to have you behind me in prayer. This month has left a jumble of emotions in its wake, and I am trying to decipher where they all came from.
This moth started very well. I was continuing to learn new things, and was keeping busy with the daily hustle and bustle of life. I still share the same responsibilities as last month, although this month I got to experience some of the day-time life. I spent 2 days as “captain chaos”, if you will. I was in charge of taking kids to their doctor’s appointments, picking up prescriptions, making new appointments, making sure the kids were up and in class, all sorts of wonderful day-time drama. I also spent a week sitting in on classes. That was a neat week. It was fun to see the kids in a different element and to help the teachers some with test correcting or just watching their class as they attended to other needs.
That week started the crazy feeling of disconnection between myself and the dorm-life. I was not in the dorms at all that week, and October held 2 long weekends for myself, as well as Homecoming here. In conjunction with my regular days off, I end this month feeling very useless. I know that I probably did more than I can see right now, but in an un-measurable ministry, it is hard to deal with feeling so out of it. I look back and wonder what I really did this month. Where was I used here? I know that I was encouraging to people outside of my internship, but does that suffice? These are my frustrations of the month.
On the other hand, I did have some up-lifting and encouraging times. It was very nice to get away and re-connect with my CLBI family, who are mostly in Alberta and too far away to be seen regularly. I enjoyed Thanksgiving and Welcome-back weekends in Alberta (I got to spend the road trip part with LCBI students, which was very fun). I did much catching up and shared stories of the things God is doing and the things He is teaching me. I got to be renewed and refreshed by a visit to the mountains and a few long walks around Mirror Lake and Camrose.
I have also had some neat realizations, although they are hard to set into my heart knowledge. God has reminded me of my own walk with Him and the time and patience it took to be just right, and for me to accept the things He had for me. I see that God is working here, but it is a hard task to sit and wait for God’s timing. God is showing me that youth ministry is very patience based, and you have to nurture and love, one day at a time. Sometimes one step forward can be followed with 3 steps back, but ultimately we are headed forward the whole time.
Please pray that God would continue to show Himself here. Pray that the kids would desire to know more and to ask questions. Pray that their hearts would be open to the answers, and that God would provide opportunities to share. Pray for me that I would rest in God’s timing and that I would be patient. Pray that I would get back in the game and not feel so scattered, as I have been this month, and week especially. Ask for my positive attitude to return, it has taken a leave of absence and is missed very much.
Feel free to include me in your thoughts and prayers.

new music

i love music. honestly, i think i would die, or go clinically insane, without it. i have been introduced to some new artists as of late, and i like them a lot. they currently play on repeat on my lap top and in my car. one new love is andy shauf. he is from regina. i bought 2 cd's on thursday after i went to his concert in saskatoon. some good songs are; in time, eventually, sleep, and in the morning. another new love is sufjan stevens. he is amazing. some good songs are; chicago, say yes! to michigan, casimir pulaski day, for the windows in paradise, and to be alone with you. these guys are both indie/folk, creative kind of sounds, wonderful really. i think i am realizing i quite enjoy indie/folk stuff. you should check these guys out if you have never heard of them. let me know of other music i should check out.

3:24am

that is what time it is right now. i am supposed to be asleep because i have to unlock the school at 6:30am. it will happen... and then i will go back to sleep.

i am sad because there is snow outside right now, and that means summer really is over. winter in this province is much too long. maybe it will get tired early this year and go away sooner that usual...? that would be nice.

i went to a concert last night. i saw a couple girls that i graduated high school with. that was neat. the guy we went to see was really good. andy shauf is his name, he is from regina, but he is moving to edmonton. i bought 2 cd's.

i made muffins today. they are banana oatmeal chocolate chip. long name, amazing results.

i have not written on my blog in a long time. i told my friend i would try harder. this is me trying harder. we will see what happens.

it is now 3:31am on my alarm clock beside my bed. i think it is fast, so that i will stop being late for things, but i can't remember. maybe that is the point.

hello again from outlook. life is turning out to be quite wonderful around here. i have relocated to a new home. i am now living in the basement of the white house, if you have ever been here, if not, well, i live in a basement, equipped with its own bathroom! We don't have a full kitchen, but we have some space, a little fridge, a sink and coffee pot and even a microwave. i am slowly unpacking and organizing. i am currently sitting in the girls' dorm office, attempting to write this, but being quite unsuccessful. girls are in and out and everywhere, and i am getting very distracted. anyways, overall, i am liking being here and loving meeting the kids and hanging out. i have had some great conversations and bonding time, and i have discovered out that "grumpy" pants are not the only pants people wear. i have recently acquired my "authority" pants, which are somewhat uncomfortable at this point, but hopefully will start feeling like a second skin soon enough. well, that is my update for now. tomorrow and friday are my days off, and i am looking forward to being free and going to s'toon.

lcbi

hello hello from outlook, saskatchewan. here i am ready to embark on this grand adventure commonly known as an internship. i began training yesterday and all seems fine and good. not gonna lie, videos are boring. especially when you have been playing with kids for the past 8 week. and are used to working from about 9-12. now i work from 8-4, at least for training, and i have to sit still and pay attention and listen to a guy on a video, who has good points, but really bad shirts. haha. the staff, the ones i have met anyways, seem nice. we have a retreat on the weekend to meet the others and bond a little. i will also meet my room mate, an intern from millar, on the weekend. i am hoping that she is nice and that we will get along. other than that, not too much going on here. i have made an extensive list of the things that maybe i should have actually thought about bringing on my first trip down here. i have had some much needed alone time, and some space to just breathe. tonight i think a run is in order.

rant

do you know how hard it is to say good-bye to your old life and try to get ready for your new one while not physically being in either place? very hard! it is frustrating to try and figure life out, to move out of a life you've been living in for 3 years in one weekend, to go back to a team of crazy girls and teach VBS once again on monday morning. p.s. the crazy girls are amazing and not the problem. it is frustrating to know that you are in one place for a week, and then another a week later, and then all of a sudden, the summer is gone. your new life is fast approaching and you realize that you have to move, once again, in just over a week. and this move is not just to another billet home, but to your new life that you know very little about. then, as you are trying to digest all of these thoughts, an email fills your screen and a new wave of frustration hits. not only are you reminded that in a week you will be starting life as an intern dean of girls, playing mommy to a bunch of high school students for a year, but now you get the joys of living right in there with them! woot! you were thinking that it would be hard enough living in a dorm apartment, somewhat sharing the living space of the dorms with the students, but having your own bathroom and some living space of your own. this email tells you that instead you will be living in a dorm room with the other intern (one room separated by a door, so like 2 little rooms). this means that you will share a bathroom and your whole year and life and probably alone time and supposed "days off" with the students. how does one remove themselves enough to be looked upon as one in an authoritative position when they are right in there with the students? how does one remove themselves enough to have a break and stay sane? how does one attempt to not burn out before christmas when there is no escaping the life and times on grade 10-12 girls? i guess this is where god comes in and shows yet another facet of his already amazing being. i guess this is where i will one day eat my words due to god's amazing provision and superior planning and ability to see the whole picture. i guess this is where god will bring me back and make me see that i have little faith and have need to trust him always. i suppose this is one of those times that i will learn something. i am not actually sure if this entry makes any sense, nor do I know if anyone still reads this blog with how often I actually post. I just had to rant about the frustrations of living out of a bag and attempting to wrap my mind around the transition back into dorm life in a week. later!

new post - stony plain

Hey everyone who actually reads this here blog of mine. I know that I do not post nearly often enough. I really have very little to say at this time. Summer teams is going well. I am currently staying at the Canada's Wonderland of host homes. It has everything you could want and more. A home theatre in the basement, decorated like a castle. They have an outdoor pool, a soccer feild and a baseball diamond. They also have a paintball course, some quads, big T.V's everywhere, including in the attic, whic has become our room for the week. Attached to said T.V. is a PS2, PS3, Nintendo Wii and a dvd player. Not only is the house amazing, and beautiful, it comes with wonderful children. They are fun, active, not spoiled, ready to share and laugh at us as we experience the joys of previously mentioned Nintendo Wii. Anyways, I guess I will just share this house with you all, it is quite a joy to get to stay somewhere so fun with such amazing kids.
Apart from this week of fun home-ness, VBS is going well. This is week 4, so I have 3 and a half to go before starting at LCBI. It is all coming quickly.
In other recent news, I attended Colin and Jen's wedding in BC this past weekend, it was very fun to see everyone and just have a chance to hang out, laugh, play some games and plan some crazy adventures... maybe a trip to the Yukon... Anyhoo, I am outta here for now. I will try to post more and give you some cool God stories soon!

summer teams... again... what the?!

What is with God and curve balls? Does any body understand? I sure don't. I am starting to think that I don't ever actually want to get comfortable in life. It seems as soon as I get comfy, content with my life and all it seems to hold, relaxed into the every day routine of it, God comes along and decides to shake things up a little. I am not ranting, nor complaining, just noting what is seeminly becoming a pattern. Maybe it is that God doesn't yet want me forming roots to anything but him, maybe it is that God knows I will start getting self-sufficient if I follow routine too long. Maybe it is just that I stop looking to God when it seems things are regular, and then I start to get scared of change. Any of these options could be legit, as well as many others I am sure, but either way, my life feels crazy right now. I have become the newest member of the all girls' CLBI summer tour team. Now, let me say that training is already half over, and I have had no warning of such an event. As of this morning I had 3 other jobs, a nice room in a basement suite, an amazing roomie coming back form Mexico any day now, and a great summer planned. I have had no real adjustment time, but i am somewhat excited for this new adventure. I think I will be more excited once I catch up with all that is going on. I will keep you all posted, and if you would care yto pray for my team, for teh churches we will be visiting and for all of the kids that i will get to play with this summer, that'd be swell. I will note that I said I would never be part of CLBI summer teams again after last summer, I had my fill, 3 summers of living out a suitcase teaching kids about Jesus is more than enough for any normal human.. I am apparently not a normal human because this is summer #4. There's an update of God and his sense of humor in my life. I'll keep you posted.. when I figure all of this out.

equally yolked?

So you know that verse in the Bible where God talks about being equally yolked to one another? Yeah, it is a good verse. I have been thinking about it lately, and thinkning about what that means. I was reading Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell. (I also really enjoy his nooma videos for that matter...) Anyways, reading about yolks and Rabbis. Rob mentions that a yolk is a Rabbi's way of interpreting, teaching, living the Bible. In the nooma video "dust" he talks about disciples and all taht goes into becoming one. To learn under a Rabbi it takes a lot of proving that you are the best of the best of the best and that you are smart and have a passion and desire to learn under this Rabbi. Ok, I could go on abotu this and hit another tanget all together, but that is not what I am going for.. so... I was thinking about this yolk thing. It is somone's way of interpreting, living, experiencing the Bible. In the equally yolked verse, we always invision a yolk as an oxen's yolk, used to pull something. I do think that it is imortant to use that pictre, but also maybe this one. If our yolk is how we live, and Jesus calls us to take His yolk upon us, because His yolk is easy and His burden is light, then don't you think He is calling us to be just like Him. If I have a great desire then to do this, to lern and live a certain way, it is then important to be with someone equally passionate about this. If I have a learning style and really like Pastor Joe from this church over here, because I like his yolk, the way he teaches and the way he sees what God is saying to us. If I seem to click with Pstor Joe's teaching style, and am getting fed and growing closer to God though him, the it is probably important that I find somone who can also click with Pastor Joe. If I find someone who can click with Pastor Bob, who has a totally different teaching style, how then will we share our thoughts and lives and walks with God? If one is not equally yolked in this area, not just in the being "Christian" or not, then one or both people have potential to be hindered through this relationship. Basically what I am getting at, is that I see it important to be living an on fire life for Jesus, and if you find a relationship with someone who is a Christian but is happy at the basic level, then you won't truly be equally yolked. Think about it.

faith

I was at church yesterday and the pastor talked about faith. Is faith a noun or a verb? Is it something that we can grasp or it is something that we must put into action? I pondered this and other points of the sermon throughout the day and as I lay in bed. I have come up with a few thoughts of my own on this topic. To have faith is to live. Everyone has faith in something. It may not be in a diety or higher power. It may not be in God. Faith gives us reason to do what we do. Without faith, say in God, we would not have the ability to trust, to surrender control or to walk blindly beside Him, knowing that He ultimately knows where He is taking us. So this comes back to the question of whether faith is a thing or an action. I don't know that faith is tangible on its own. I think that faith becomes tangible through the things that we do. People can see our faith in the way that we live, in the trust we have in God, in the ability we have to surrender control, and in our willingness to walk blindly. As I said before, without faith in something or someone, we would have no trust in that person. When we trust God, even a little bit, it is proving that we have faith, it is puitting our faith into action. This is the same with surrender. Most of us struggle with handing over control of our lives to anyone, including God. When we are in the passenger seat of a car, we are not in control, but we are making a statement that we have faith in the person driving. We trust that they know what they are doing and that they are going to get us where we are going safely. When we surrender control to God and take a "leap of faith", we are trusting that God has our best in mind and that He will not let us fall. To have faith gives us that freedom to live the life that God intended for us to live. The verse in Jeremiah, 29:11, states that God knows the plans He has for us. He wants for us to prosper and not to be harmed, to live a full and exciting life filled with hope and a future. This verse means nothing if we have no faith in God. We can not experience this life that He has for us if we do not trust that what He says is true. For us to believe that statement as true, we are demonstrating our faith. Therefore I have really come t the conclusion that faith is freedom. Freedom to live. Freedom to have a full and amazing life. It is giving God freedom to give us a full and amazing life. These are just my thoughts. Feel free to question, to discuss, or to completely disagree. This is just something that I have been thinking about lately, brought back to mind by a sermon, and now written out to try and grasp slightly what God is teaching me. Is fainth a noun or a verb?... I don't really know. Maybe it is both.