weighing importance

sometimes i wonder what it is in my day to day life that i value. what has weighing importance? why do i do what i don't want to do and don't do what i do want to do? it is like that verse in romans really is my life. i am pretty sure that many people could say that, ultimately, but for real, what parts and moments of life really matter? i am all about making memories, having good times, laughing lots, loving much, experiencing new things, meeting new people, and embracing life and all it has to offer.
but what does life have to offer? what does the world encourage us to embrce? why do people live such empty lives? how is it that the world does such a good job of blinding people? love has lost meaning, christianity has lost credibility, laughter has lost vibrency, words have lost their depth. so many people strive to be unattainable versions of themselves; becoming fake, each life becoming a vacuum of emptiness, a void to be filled with meaningless things.
it is sad really. i watch so many people, week after week, get so drunk they can't stand, and are so smashed they make complete fools of themselves. i see people throw themselves at one person after the next, in an attempt to feel loved and valued, only to feel more and more empty and worthless. i look at magazines loudly proclaiming that we should look and be a certain way, offering ways to "be the real you", but successfully smothering individuality and personal appreciation, creating a plethora of fake, dyed, pinned, tucked, "beauitful" people.
i desire more. i want my life to resonate with truth and value. i long for a life of substance and depth. i want to be genuine and honest, following something worth following, searching and questioning, seeking and exploring, embracing and actually living. no more of this emptiness. no more jumping on the band wagon because it is easier than walking and i am lazy. having a life worth living may not be simple or straight forward, cut and paste or black and white, but at the end of the day i like to think it is worth the extra effort.

God vs. patti. fight!

it has been a long while since i posted. i guess that's what happens when life gets busy and one is trying to get rooted and settled in a new place. all of that is going well for me at this point. i am very happily living in saskatoon, loving my job and the people i work with, deciding it is time to get hobbies and explore more.
in my hobby finding, world exploring state, i thought boys could be a good subject. apparently not. well, they might be. maybe they are one of those subjects best watched and studied at a safe distance, kind of like those animals at the zoo that you are supposed to look at and not touch or feed... boys, like those animals, tend to bite. in my experience anyways. i have learned once again, through the "test and fail" principle, that getting even remotely attached is painful like a band aid when ripped off.
now as i sit here somewhat bitter, confused, and over thinking the situation like a typical girl, i can see God in it. and as i see Him in it, i dislike Him. i am faced with the fact that once again He is right and i am not. i am tired of feeling like every situation in my life is a time for "growth" and "stretching", a chance for God to talk in circles around me or provide one more metaphor. even as i was trying to avoid and ignore the obvious facts and ultimate answers, i could not, and they were forced back into my reality by the one i was ignoring them for.
serves me right i guess. time to admit defeat and give in once again to God, who is ultimately better to follow anyways. i am stubborn and hate losing in this battle that only really exists in my head. God has my best in mind. His timing will always prove to be better. i am selfish, impatient, and blinded by my own desires, and in this figure it fair to blame God when things don't go my way. huh, maybe it is time to grow up.