big decision

today i made a big decision. it was very hard. i do not easily admit defeat. i do not easily give up. i hate thinking that i have failed. today i retracted my application for the job as girl's dorm parent for the fall. it was received well, a sign of character i was told. i realized that i am tired, burnt out, overwhelmed, and mostly not ready to be a "mom" figure to 50 high school girls. i find myself feeling less than excited, even bitter at times, to perform the basic parts of my job. i find myself longing to be 22, living with friends, having fun, schooling, whatever. i feel that if i came back in the fall, i would do the year, and i would do it well. i would then, most likely, end up feeling bitter towards this type of ministry, and i would leave it. i am thinking that this way, i will take a year or 2 or 3 off, have fun, learn, grow, be myself, experience life. in God's time, i will return to full time ministry, maybe even here. i will be able to more fully embrace it and feel excited about it, ready to go all the way. i know that i will be in ministry every day, wherever i am, and i know that God will use me. i am excited to see what adventures God has in store, even though this freedom does feel somewhat like i am free falling into an abyss at this moment.

the end, the beginning, the in between

today marks the end of the school year for some of the students. i have just signed off on a number of rooms, stating that they are clean and good to be left for the summer. i have said good bye to a few, and more good byes await. between now and wednesday the kids will slowly trickle away as they finish exams. the dorms will become empty, the school quiet, the court yard still. i don't think i have yet grasped that this year is over. i don't understand where the time has gone, when the jokes became memories, when the present became the past.
now i am entering a transition of sorts. i have known it to be coming for some time, but have been avoiding. i am going from the me i was to the me i will be. i will have a summer with some time to play, but also time to grow, to learn new responsibilities. this is the in between, the time when i am no longer a teen leader, but an adult, a decision maker, a go-to, a mediator. when did this all come to be? i don't know that i feel ready, but God has brought me to this place, and He will lead me through it. He will bring me through strong and new, ready to face whatever comes. this whole being an adult, making decisions for others, being a disciplinary figure, having real responsibilities with weight that effects others, as well as myself, is all somewhat uncomfortable and scary. i am not sure if i am too tired to care, or just feeling overwhelmed by the wholeness of it. this is the place where the burn out and the overwhelmed feelings collide. this is the time when i retreat, unsure of where to begin, with the procrastination only building more tension and stress. as i watch the list of things to be done get bigger, i realize that only by beginning will an end be found. only by starting will i find God's peace and rest, as well as the strength to keep on to the end.